a story that leads to a kind of poem

Upon my arrival back home, I realized that I wasn't in the right house.

I looked around and went back to the door to check if the key in my pocket fit the front door.

On the way to front door, I got a glance at myself in the mirror. Man, I was messed up! The guy said that I should be sober by the time I reached home. I guess not. I turned to go back into the house and slipped and fell crashing into the floor. But, I didn't really stop at the floor just kept going down, not like into my basement or something, but down a sort of hole.

When I woke up, I don't even know when I conked out, I was looking at my parents. Did they see me? I wondered. What's going on? I was kind of hoping things would go back to normal. A long time later, I guess, I found myself in an alleyway in the downtown of some city. I was a bum. How did I become a bum? I found someone near me and asked them if they knew how long I'd been there for. He said about 2 years. What??? I got up quickly and went out into the street. I couldn't see so clearly but wasn't sure if it was my eyes or the world. Suddenly nobody was there. I was alone!

My body started to morph into something else. To change from human to, I don't know. I came to and felt around. I couldn't see anything. Something was poking me and asking me something utterly incomprehensible. I went to speak and suddenly everything was light again. I looked around but couldn't really make heads or tails of anything. I remembered my old life and was trying to draw comparisons to what I was seeing now, but couldn't. What I was seeing was completely different.

I looked but didn't know what I was seeing
I felt but didn't know what I was feeling
I heard but didn't know what I was hearing
There was a crashing sound
What?

An end

I sink into the misery of the body. Sink into the pains of the body. I don't do it on purpose. It just happens. I know now that trying to figure it out, is not the way. That just means that there's not much left to do. Except for just let it all go. This reminds me of a story. A story that I do not know but will tell you now. This story is of a man, a man with a beard, a red beard. The red in his beard was not a deep red but more of a pale red. One day he set out on his mission only to come to the end almost instantly.

His mission was simple. It was to seek out the lay of the land and map it. But as he ventured out to do this, he wondered what for. He sat under a tree and for the first time in his life he just sat there listening to the land. He noticed that the land was not exactly his or something that he had but something that was alive. Why map he thought? He sat there under the tree for the next three hours, and then he got up and went back home. When he arrived, he took off his shoes went inside and lit a fire. He reached into his bag and pressed the button. That was it!

then it moves on - short

The one time man.


He was not sure. He didn't know where to go. He didn't even know how to figure it out.

Out in the distance or deep inside he struggled. What did it matter? What am I supposed to do?
I hate stuff and get frustrated.

Concurring fears and other things wasn't the goal. That just lead to more struggle. Being centered, sounds about right, but what does that mean? I know taking responsibility for all that I want to change in my life, just makes it heavier. You don't sit down one day and decide all that is going to happen during your life. Life just happens, and you live it. What are you gonna do?

And then it moves on.................

Replaced

The sun came down from whence it came, the tide came down from whence it came, it all came down to just go back, but it's not to just go back, it all came down and then disappeared, nothing went back, because nothing remained the same. I once was an old man which of course came after being a young man. But when the old man was an old man, he was no longer a young man. The young man had been replaced by the old man. The sun shines down upon the earth. The earth absorbs the sun. The sun does not shine because of the earth, and the earth does not absorb the sun because of the sun. Everything happens as it happens and then disappears and gets replaced with something else or not. Nothing stands alone but yet it does. If something truly stood alone, it would not stand at all. From the depths of one's life to the shallow happenings of day to day life, it all doesn't stand still and is constantly in flux.

An old story

A story so long and always told
One that is gathered from all there bones
It is one heard but not seen
They repeat because there is no light
Remaining in the dark
Creeping out
How can it be known if it's just imagined?

Bring it into focus

Now that the attention isn't being held so tightly, you can see impermanence more clearly. What is stable? Is it the thoughts, efforts, desires, worries, the happiness? Which one of these things has staying power. Do they not all come in for a brief amount of time then fade?
Before I tried to control things because I thought that negativity should be cast out. But, all that lead to was increased stress due to the fact of  trying and pushing. That doesn't sound like flow does it?
The next part I wonder if can be put into words. Trying to get rid of the bad just made me focus on it. In other words, making it special in some way, worthy of focus, and thus picking it up , meddling and claiming it to be mine. For example, I begin to worry about something. I then don't like it, and then want it not to return or perhaps devise a way for me not to worry any more. You can see from all that the importance put on negativity.
The question is, why pick it up at all? Why not just keep moving on? You don't need to base your life around it or do anything with it. It's just something that will inevitably just come and go. Negative and positive are two things that happen with the same characteristics, fleeting and out of control.

awaiting - poem

The waves washed upon the shore
The sand awaited this
The sun shone on the ground
The ground awaited this
The breath came in
The lungs awaited this
The wind blew
The trees awaited this
The moon rose
The people awaited this
Life happens

mystery story - an unfinished fictitious story

The piece was as big as it could be without going over. They gathered around to make sure that it was not only fair but sufficient. The man, John, would soon be coming to oversee things, but he wasn't there yet.

From far off in the distance, Gretchen stepped foot onto a new plane. This was to be her new home. She had doubts and other worries, but new it had to be this way. Whatever she had faced in the past had also come to pass. At the moment, the new situation felt a little bit bleak, but that was because she could not feel or see anything changing at any time soon.

They all waited patiently just staring at the piece when something extraordinary happened. A green light appeared about 50 feet above them and began to sort of open up. Not like a regular door, but more just like a a cloud parting and leaving a space. Something came out of the door quickly and landed beside them. They all turned to see. John stood there. He seemed out of focus somehow and vibrating rapidly. He began to speak telling them that he would soon be adjusted to this atmosphere and would appear normal very soon.

Gretchen wasn't sure what she would do first and so followed protocol. She set out to find the base of the project, so that she could begin what she set out to do. In the past, she would have thought 'I want to get this over with and move on,' but so many times she had really gotten to like where she had been and ended up having a great experience. She would give this plane the benefit of the doubt.

John spoke to them and asked about the piece. Teresa was the chosen representative for the group because of her ability to think quick on her feat and answer or ask any questions that were necessary. She went on to explain to John that it wasn't as much as they thought but would suffice. John looked over, now fully in focus, he concurred with her. John started explaining to them their next step. The group listened with trepidation, uncertainty always brought that on. John picking up on this explained that with certainty comes the loss of fear. "What's to happen will happen or not but what can be done now is to be done with your utmost commitment, focus." The groups journey would not be an easy one.

Gretchen looked out into the distance finally spotting the base. It had taken her over two days to find it but now the project could begin. For her really it didn't make too much sense, but that is not what she was trained to do. She had gone through this stuff in her head so many times before but the result was always the same. She did what she was told. Perhaps because of the guilt or fear or some other thing but the end result was the same. When she came upon the base, she looked around. The place was lush with a wild nature but also with spots of dried up land like something from below had sucked out it's moisture. The climate was pleasing, at least in this season, a cool 15 degrees. She was pleased with that. She had been on many planes that were almost unbearable with temperatures hitting, must have been - 15 degrees. It didn't quite matter because of the new temperature controlled bubble they outfitted her with. She could go on any plane, open the bubble around herself and just set the temperature to her liking. But, really, she liked when the plane was nice on its own.

The group didn't really know what to make of John. What was he? Where did he come from? etc. They also knew that he knew what they were thinking and that, for some, increased there wariness of him and this mission. John standing in front of them, on a very dry looking piece of land, put up a holographic image of women. They all looked at the image and started to ask questions. Mark, the son of the old leader's group, spoke up to ask John, "we failed so miserable on the last mission, what makes you think we can do it this time?" John, unperturbed, responded "This is what you are set to do. There is no other path." Mark, never satiated by John's answers, went quiet again. John went on to explain. "On this plane, her name is Gretchen. She is destined to finish what she has already started out to do in exactly 26 days. That is how long you have to find her and shut it all down. I will help you in the same way as usual but it's primarily your responsibility."

She reached down to examine and see if the base was intact. If it wasn't, this mission would fail right off the bat. It appeared to be fine, and so she pulled out the bag and place it in there and headed back to the landing spot. Her thoughts went to her last spot and how kind everyone was. Although she was not one of them, she could appear to look like those on that plane. She had made love with a women there and it was glorious. She hadn't done that for a long time and had really missed it. What a shame, she thought. Her attention now back on the task of the moment. Was she cold hearted? Was it because she wasn't loved as a child? She laughed out loud at these thoughts. They were irrelevant and not really even hers, just thoughts of that plane.

Jeff, the youngest of the group, asked John if they succeeded would they be called home. John responded honestly, "I don't know and don't make those decisions." Jeff knew he would say that but wanted to ask anyways. He missed his walls and pictures. Teresa took charge and told John that they would do there best and continue to do so. The group would never give up. That was what united them. Although sometimes full of fear, they never wavered on giving it their all. John pointed the way, and they headed off but not before he gave them the weapon. Joanne was the one to hold it and really the most level head of the group. She was not the leader of the group but definitely the backbone. She looked around and started to see what this plane was like. So much wild life and aliveness was happening everywhere. There were scattered trees, a lot of plant life, rivers, very small islands surround by small lakes and many patches of dried up land like a an old ladies lips, she thought. This place was... nice! She also wondered if there was going to be some sort of intelligent life forms here and not just animals and bugs.

She reached the landing spot surprisingly easy. This plane was pleasant, she concluded, but instinctively knew never to let her guard down. This job looked to be a cinch. How many planes has she been to? Was she even a she? It was all very subjective to the plan that she was on. But, she always knew her point; that was clear, crystal clear. She set about putting everything together. It was a process. After sometime she stopped and looked over her progress. She'd done quite well for that day. She reached into her pocket pulled out a remote control and pressed energy. Beside her head a small window opened and out rolled a ball covered in a dense metal. She caught sat down, opened the ball buy tapping on it twice and ate the tennis ball sized ball. Luckily it wasn't about taste, she thought. She pressed another button on the remote that said chair and then another one that said entertainment, and then she relaxed and faded off.

Teresa and Mark were discussing there last mission while Jeff and Joanne walked silently behind them. Joanne was reminiscing about home in her head. Jeff was lost between fear, and how great Joanne's jeans looked on her.

fading on - a short story

The man had put down his glass in hopes that he would soon be hitting the road. The sound of the wind pierced his ears. Coming up from behind him was the one he was waiting for. Who knows what would ensue? Last week, it all began. The whole thing was like a snow ball tumbling down a hill gaining moment and size. He had tried his best to end all of this, to let it all fissile out. But, no such luck. 

At least it would be over soon, he thought. He could here the footsteps getting closer and closer, and so he prepared to turn around and face whatever would happen. So he took his last couple of sips of the dark ale, placed the glass lightly back on the counter and began turning around. He then looked around, but nobody was there! Was it just a dream? Then he felt something moving by his feet and a big hand came down from the sky and swooped him up. Up and up he went, surprisingly without fear. At the moment, he realized how much fear he had felt in his day to day life. Man! Did it feel uplifting. He laughed at his own pun and just enjoyed the ride. 

It all faded to white, and he woke up in a place that couldn't be described. The fuss and muss in his head silenced and replaced by a grand feeling of omnipresence. He looked around but only out of old patterns. He instinctively knew that others were there with him but could really put a finger on it. A voice spoke to him, but it wasn't words that were being used. More just sounds, vibrations, but he could easily understand what was being communicated. The voice was explaining that the transition to where they were would take some time because of the world of difference from where I had lived before. I took this information interestingly easy. The fight that has once been there had almost dissolved. I reached out my hand and felt around trying to move about. I stumbled and fell. There was a light in front of me.
I moved a little towards the light and then swoop. I was gone!

The next faze just can't be written in words because it would just be nothing but sounds, feelings, lights and so on. 

Perspectives - Poem

He rocks on a boat
He boats out into the open
Take a grip
Take a grip
Don't slip
She has to go head on
She has to be head strong
I don't see where they are
I don't care if they are far
They wait to see
They wait to flee
Who can tell the difference
If it's you or me?

the old done man

There was an old man sitting on the grass wondering what happened to it all. But, he also realized that any measure of wonder would not change or bring back any of it. So, he let go. He had never been particularly religious, although there were periods of time that he thought he kind was or should be. But, at the end of the day, sort-to-speak, he just wasn't.

There was nothing and he died

time question mark

8 years had passed but he knew it had been that long. The surprise was not that it had passed, but that there was nothing that could be done about it. Time for you, goes by wether you like it or not. It all seems real and frightening to the individual. The truth must really set you free!

It's good that I don’t have to work on controlling things or making them in some way that I believe is on the right path. 

keeping in line

This story is one of appointments not disappointments. Trying your best is the best you can do. Not only does it aid in developing and living to your fullest but provides a life that is more suitable for seeing the truth of the mind and body. Why is that? In just doing what you do, you get the opportunity to just see things in their natural environment. If your always trying to change everything around and make things better, fix things, then it's very hard to see things the way that they are. Mind and body no self changing suffering, the Triglac

just don't make it worse - book

Just don’t make it worse or Just don’t add to your pain

People tend to make things worse than the really are. Why do we do this? It’s simple. We do this because that’s the way we think. We are hooked up to think this way. When something happens that we don’t like we have an instinct to have to level the playing field. For instance, you have a bad day at work and feel crummy, so you start thinking about how to feel good. And the way to feel good with definitely entail damaging yourself in some way shape or form. This is what we call fun. What is fun? Well it’s something to do with overloading or maybe depriving one of our senses. Eating is a huge one! Eating fun stuff, which means something that gives our taste buds a ride, get a buzz from, something tasty, and so on. This food doesn’t help our bodies in any way but does the opposite, it hurts us. This book is not about not doing any of these things that we call fun. I think that’s impossible unless you really see that it’s hurting you. Some people see that it hurts you and so try and not eat any of these bad foods. But the problem lies in the fact that they don’t really understand it, just logically and so suppression occurs, “this food is unhealthy, why am I eating it? I should stop.” But the pattern of thought is still just there, but now in addition to that you add pressure.

Moderation

This book promotes moderation. Don’t go to crazy on anything. And, when you are doing it just be slightly aware that it’s being done. In everyday thinking wanting plays a huge party. It’s infused in most of our thoughts. You want this to be like that, or that to be more like this; a whole lot of talking going on.

Most people’s lives are based around trying to make things better, like the world or themselves are broken. This is just a thought pattern also. It’s how we think. What can you do about it? If you declare your own thoughts as a problem, then you are right dead smack in the middle of the just previously mentioned thought pattern. It’s so funny how convinced we are of these things. The wish, wanting to be rich is a common one in society. If you had cash, things would be much better. Although, I agree that a level of wealth is needed. I don’t agree that wealth makes you happy. A person getting rich has been done time in time again, over and over, every generation. And, now with the age of technology, one doesn’t even need to have actually money but just numbers. Can a billionaire really show you that much actual cash? No way! But they can show you numbers, very big numbers. Are these rich people happier? Some may be happier than others but no more so than some middle class person who has enough and a good family. Money just can’t do it; it can’t be emotions, happy, joy, love, warmth. And, sometimes the whole getting rich backfires and you have too much cash and then nothing is interesting anymore because you can have it all. When you can have it all, it’s not so special anymore. That’s why working towards something and then getting it is so much more satisfying. Sometimes I laugh when I hear someone bought an Island. How much did that person need to make them ‘happy?’ I am alright with just a circle of Brie, haha.

It may sound like I am discouraging making money or something, but all that I would like to point out here is that if you goal is to be happy than being wealthy is not the key.

Life goes by whatever it is that you are doing. Picture now the hand of a clock that keeps the seconds. That’s life! It always just keeps going. You feel great, you feel awful, you feel nothing, this happens, that happens, then it passes. Our thoughts are kind of hooked to think that we don’t want the bad and only want the good. So, when bad times are happening, even just bad moods, feelings emotions are body, we don’t want it and begin thinking of how we can rid of it. And then the trouble begins and we do unintelligent things. As well by the time we get to the thing that we plan to do in order to get rid of the bad feelings, more than likely those feelings are gone. For example, you work all day and feel frustrated and tired, and you’re looking forward to just getting home, having a glass of wine and plopping yourself in front of the t.v. with a feeling of relief and relax. But, the truth is, by the time you get home and sit down for a minute you may be alright. But you wouldn’t know because your mind has already decided many hours ago that that is what you will be doing later on. The mind has a tendency of dragging this desire along, along the whole day. In contrast, if you didn’t try and rid of bad feeling, emotions etc. then you would surely see that they just come and go. That’s a good reflective meditation for you. Just know in an easy sort of way that, whatever you felt also left. It was there, and then it was also not there. Keep it simple, there and not there.

Life is like that. It’s here and then not here. So many people have lived before us. Sometimes I wonder what number human I am. I mean how many where before me? Am I like the 121st billionth person who has lived on earth? One thing that gets passed along from generation to generation is the way we think. We all think we are someone, someone who is in some way separate from our surroundings. The Indians seemed to be a little more in touch with this, feeling like they are not apart from the land. But, even the Indians had many wars amongst themselves not seeing that there was enough to share. They were too lost in protecting their specific blood lines, there specific tribe. What does that really matter if everyone is just a part of the whole, which one would really be better than the other one. It’s from the animal mind.

The ability to see that things come and go, that they don’t really have our name written on it and that trying to label life and call it ours just causes prejudice, is the cause of true happiness. It makes sense. If you thoroughly know that everything will pass, and so you don’t hold onto anything relieving yourself of that burden. You’ll be extremely light. It’s like comparing all your problems to you carrying a heavy bag on your back, and then when you put down the bag, and it’s much lighter. This example isn’t great because it points to something that isn’t true. Life has problems in it. That’s life. Letting all your problems go is not the same as seeing that there is no problem, and that what you thought was a problem was really just a thought. Next time a situation that you don’t like occurs in your life, take a look and see how big of a problem is it without the extra thoughts in your head, all the ‘I hate this because of this that or the other thing.’ All the extra thinking doesn’t come free. It comes with added heavy emotions. Or you can look at it like, after something you don’t like occurs and you’re still going on about even after it has ended then you are just still carrying it. And, of course, that’s heavy.

Putting heavy things down seems like a good idea, but that is not what I suggest to work on because both heavy situations and light situations happen in life. Has a heavy situation every stopped the clock from ticking? This is it! You get one shot at life and guess what? It’s both good and bad. Seeing life from this perspective may sound profound, but it’s just nature. I always think of god as before biases happen, something that is open and not lost in judgment. But, trying not to judge things is impossible. Trying anything is just trying, but it’s necessary to try, haha. Sounds confusing and uncertain, it is. That’s life. Is it this way or that way or every way? 

not quite man - fiction

This is a story, a story of a man. A fictional one, but aren’t all stories really just fictional. This man seemed out of this world in a way that no one could really pinpoint. He walked amongst everyone but was quite separate with everyone. On that summer’s day, he wondered how he got to where he was. I mean, physically he knew. He had taken a plane there, took a bus and then went on by foot. But, I what I am talking about is how he got to be how he is.

It’s as if he was half invisible.

When he was very young, he scarcely felt any strong connection with himself. He had friends.

a wary beginning - fiction

The flame had gone out, and he was falling asleep. Everything was so heavy in wake of all the news. He cried and cried but still could not find any relief. He began walking alone out of the park and back to the road. Where, would he go now, he wondered.

With no strong connections there wouldn’t be any place he needed to go. But, seeing as he could not physically leave the planet, he had to go somewhere. The pain felt so real but didn’t have much of basis in reality. It was just pain for the sake of pain? He didn’t really know.

With his backpack on and his zip off pants on, he wandered down the road going left or right didn’t really matter. In a way this sounds like freedom but the lack of a direction left him nose deep in self-doubt. His gut told him not to worry about it, but his thoughts were filled with them making it very hard to think straight.

As he reached into his pocket and pulled out a smoke, he pictured himself feeling some relief with the inhale of the cigarette. The nicotine would give a brief feeling of satisfaction which he was craving so badly. 

Poem why should it do just that

The light shines,

Why shouldn’t it do just that?

The storm brews

And so does coffee

I run down hoping it will all still be there

It’s only a shadow of itself

Dream far away dream near and dear

You wake up

And why does that happen?

A river, a river, a river

It’s deep and mysterious but that’s how it is

You grow up, you flow up,

Which way does it all go?

If I knew I would tell you but then that means I know

The oak tree the meadow, the dark the light

Haha, that’s all very amusing

But what does it have to do with anything

Love is like death

Death is like fear but fear is one sided

The inside out of the green lantern is something to be seen

Seemingly like that but not in reality

Where does it all go?

Poems

Rock

When the stars shine I always think the same

When the clouds pass I always think the same

When I feel hungry I always think the same

When I wake up I always think the same

Don’t you?

Are different words and feelings not just the same,

But with a little change in them?

Thought is thought

Feelings are feelings

But is this so?

A rock of a different shape is the same as another rock?

Not really grass

The grass on the other side of the fence,

Is something that is never whence,

The grass on the other side of the fence,

Is a place that you will not go, hence,

What are you striving for?

If it’s not for something is it just a bore?

Why not take life into your own hands,

And bring it all down into the sands,

I strive and pray,

Only to end up to say,

What happened to it all,

When did I happen to fall,

Save me from myself, oh my great friend!

I have fallen into a deep desireful trend,

But wait, it’s not what I thought,

The end. or is it just the beginning?

Practice makes what it makes

When the time is near,

I hope not to be at the rear,

I hope to be on the foreground,

Where all those who are practice will be found,

Seems like there is nothing to take dear,

But that is only fear,

I look around all day and night,

And still only find only freight,

To change a hair,

Is to change into unfair,

When the time is right,

I will know and not feel fright,

Peace is in and not out,

So, let’s all go on the right route with no doubt,

Welcome!

today i noticed

Today I noticed some things pass. Just that, is all that is needed. It’s not really up to me if I let go or not, but you can help assist with it; in a way. Today listening to Luang Por was excellent. Sometimes, I forget about his beauty. I get mixed up with what his body looks like and something else. I won’t go into describing it because it’s just too many adjectives that really won’t fit anyway.

Lots of love to me. Today I didn’t really waste any time. That was great for me. I like the nice and casual way of just going about things. I would like to accomplish things, but I don’t want to accomplish being stressed out. Haha. Just slowly but surely do as you would like to do, gearing yourself to doing some work and also resting. You don’t need to focus too hard on anything in particular, just a general awareness. As well as, staying on tasks, going towards something and not just falling off in to desires. Desires that include being lazy and treating yourself badly, don’t help you. What does help is putting in the work, noticing what happens in an easy going way and then moving on. No need to get off and debate something or blow it up or make it anything other than something that has already passed.

All that has happened as also passed. I’ll never believe that, not really.

Thanks

soaring

Soaring like a bird seems like a good idea, all free and light. But why would I bother imaging that if I could imagine something even lighter. All my beautiful dreams of having feelings of lightness, easygoingness, effortlessness, this is what I call good. Dreams of the future that feel light, not weighted down by the heaviness, rawness of the body. Without a body, things would be lighter, I guess. But, that’s how it is. The nice feelings of a beautiful future are absent of the body because it’s just your imagination. Then you return to the body, and it’s not perfect.

Why is it not perfect? I guess because it’s something always changing and not always for the better.

shorts

Words seem to have a lot of meaning in this world but not for anything that really matters.

When I bungle things up it also passes.

Death is funny.

Why did I do that oh well what can you do.

My nose runs a lot but I think I can control it, but if I can control it why wouldn’t I choose to have it run.

Parks, lights, playgrounds, kids flying and playing, death happens, life happens,, you run you fall, so be it.

soaring (2)

I think I am soaring. There seems to be trouble, periodically, just one thing after another, but life just carries on. So, stopping life seems to be impossible, but I would like to try.

I think when I was a kid my thoughts soared and weren’t pulled in as much. It felt like that today. They were soaring but it felt familiar, like it happened many times before, like when I was young. And even more than that, it happened when I was young all the time, just the normal way of thought. Perhaps, it was pre-established ego. Today, I didn’t like something that someone did. Life did not stop, I felt dislike, it may or may not change, I may or may not say something, but meaning while life just flows on. I can say it flows on but that is irrelevant to life because it just flows no matter what is said or done. I continue to get older and patterns keep repeating.

I don’t like something about everyone including myself and, basically, everyone is the same. Most people complain about people behind their backs. It’s normal, an everyday occurrence.

Our magical world that we live in, of nature, from nature, we are nature… it can be amazing. What does that feel like to really know that.. what a wonder that is.

Thanks

Soaring is what thought does, if it’s thought. I don’t really know, nor do I think it really matters. Adding thought is not the key to anything. Just keep going and you don’t need to wait any more.

Bri

pains.disliking

Pains, disliking.. Feels like I can’t go on, but I shall. Not because I really want to or think it’s a good idea but because it’s just going on.

If life is all about making things good, than we all end up living only just a part of life. It’s impossible to know the truth if you can’t look at life how it is.

My stomach isn’t working properly. That will probably change. But, now that is how it is. I know other people have much worse stomach problems. 

Life.god

If I told you what I really thought. You would probably think I am a few stack short of a pile. But, what does it really matter. Why should I continue even judging what I think? What’s the point?

Sometimes, I think in terms of god. But, not really the angry Jewish kind of god, smoting people, haha. My ideas of god doesn’t put god into a form. It puts god into like a, I don’t know, a leader of nature, a creator, designer, but definitely not a thinker or something that has a reflection in a mirror or pond.

You are born into this world. You can’t control that. Perhaps, your soul does but your thinking mind, who you think you are doesn’t really decide that you will be born, what you will look like, who your parents will be, any of the details of your body, height, shape, eye colour, size of your pinky finger and so on. Also, you don’t decide on all the things that you start to think. You just start thinking one day in your life. Like, when you’re really young there doesn’t seem to be much thinking going on, just kind a doing and following. But at some age, that all changes and now you begin to think or be aware of your thoughts.

I remember when I came into this. Started to judge and pay attention to what was going on around me. I can’t say that was a fun day! Mostly life just appeared to be kind of heavy and somewhat of struggle, feeling a little distant from all those that surrounded me. Who am I? Why do I feel like this? This sucks, but you just keep going, not that you can stop it. Life just keeps going. 

Life! what are you gonna do

The heart sores when it is free. How wonderful does that feel? You wish then that it can always sore, but just in that wish is the sign that it’s coming to an end.

When I feel great it’s easier to be aware and see things dancing around and changing. Now darkness begins to shroud the area where there was once a light freedom and slowly the onslaught of the new whack of thoughts taints it. ‘I want the positive but not the negative.’ Haha. But what can be done about that. That’s how the thinking is wired. It’s cool how if you look at that from a distance how that’s the obvious recipe for suffering. On this earth, in the world both good and bad happens but only good is wanted. So, when bad occurs, there is inevitably going to be some sort of fight J But, when good appears no one fights that. It’s liked, wanted and desired to keep going, but I guess that is the fight: wanting it to keep going. But you never regret feeling happy, you great negative stuff, stuff that arose from anger or jealousy. But you never regret pleasantness, but you long for the  good times to return.

Both good times and bad times both come to pass as they must do on this planet. With all our doings, comings and goings, life just continues on in the way that it does. And in each of our small head, we fight for things to be the way we think they should be all the while struggling with the way things are. We don’t want bad and want to things to be good. It is easiest to see this from a distance. The good monk recommends that you watch the body and mind as if it’s not yours, and in doing it this way you will see more clearly that truth of nature. Which is that everything is coming and going, not by a choice of the individual and that both the mind and the body are in always in a constant state of changing which makes it impossible to have a real feeling of stability. Oh man! No stability can be achieved in this world due to the conditions of nature, so that which  we all hold onto is bound, will change. How true does that sound but makes not one iota of a difference to the way the mind things.

The mind thinks in a basically in complete opposition to the way things are. It basis things on a world that isn’t the way it thinks. Firstly with the idea that you are you and not something part of nature. For evidence of this look at any part of your body closely. Firstly, your name is not written on it. Secondly, if you look into any part you eventually find just cells, and if you keep looking deeper you’ll find cells that are mostly filled with space haha. So, how can it be claimed as our own. Then next thing the mind thinks is that there is something solid, permanent in this world. Take a look at yourself now and all your surroundings. I can actually guarantee you that nothing, including your body, is permanent. Your sitting at a table, on a computer, in a room with all sorts of stuff. Everything will eventually go back into nature where it all came from. We forget so fast that wood, plastic and metal are just from the earth. When it’s formed into things, we almost see the object as something separate from nature. Now, it’s a building! J Sometimes when I watch a kid playing with toys, it all just looks like different forms of plastic and rubber. Let the good times roll.

Searching for something permanent or solid in the mind, body or world only leads to more struggling. Why? Simply because it can’t be found. It sounds cruel in a way. We were put on this planet to chase our tales around in circles. Haha. I have been searching for years and all it got be me was increase pressure but with further realization of this truth. At first it seems like if you cut out all the bad and doing only good things will be great. But then it’s realized that all of what I was calling bad is part of nature, and, although, it doesn’t seem useful it’s life. When you call something bad it creates division, a me versus something and the fight begins. Bad can show you the truth just like good. It all comes and goes, void of a separateness and ultimately unsatisfying.

So, we try to manage life to try and make it feel substantial in some way. Building a big house from natural materials to give us a feeling of ‘look at this it’s big and if I call it mine then I am big too.’  

it's like that

It’s funny how it’s like that. It’s just how it is. Liking or disliking doesn't change the way it is. I guess it's really just bias. Unless your fully aware, than you’ll always be bias. It’s impossible not to be that way because you come from a perspective. I wish I could be free but now I know that is not in the cards. Freedom is a fable, and I know that because it talks of other places, wonderful places, places that are not here or here but better. But, here is life, as it is, as god intended it to be. I am alive but fail to see the magic of it, just mostly find its faults an focus on them. Trying to fix the way it is, is not the way to know it. That’s just judgments. The Buddha said that you watch seeing that there is no-self, impermanence and suffering. That’s it! If you just look and judge and want things to change, then that is what your life will be about. We live what we resist, holding onto it. The way to really let something go is to not connect yourself with it in any way. If you try to do that, than you’ll have trying as your connection.

It’s obvious that things are changing all the time but not possible that the thinking mind comes to really know that. Thinking doesn’t seem to work that way. Thinking just has it’s ways and follows that.

Wishing is beautiful wanting but wanting all the sameJ

if u look into the face of life

If I look into the face of life, I would just find what I can see. If I look into the face of life, you’ll find what you can see. So, what is life then? If it’s just as one sees.

Life should be a flipping miracle, but why do I mostly see people struggle? I watch people and they just dance around inside themselves getting know where, and hurting themselves in the process.

If life was a miracle, we would have wonder in our eyes. Buddha said that the mind and body are suffering, in a constant struggle. I don’t believe it and don’t think belief has anything to do with the truth. Thought is to show you the truth. Thought is what stands in front but reflects the truth. 

idea of satisfaction

Wow! It’s been 9 years already since then. So many humans who have come and gone have probably said something like this. We are here but don’t really know that time passes, seems funny and obvious but true. We look at the mirror every day and see the changes but there is so much denial of age. I wonder why we don’t thoroughly know that everything changes. How many times has fear come into your life, and how many times has it also disappeared. Did it not come and then go? Has the body ever stopped aging and changing? These are things that cannot be change under any circumstances. Why are there even thoughts that deny exactly what is true, bang on what’s true. Things are impermanent, yet we have feeling that things, we, are permanent in some way. Things are constantly changing yet we try to find something stable in it, try and build from it, build from a foundation that is nothing but change Haha, ‘a recipe for dissatisfaction.’

For some time I chased and idea of satisfaction. I had a feeling that there was something solid, something real, and that I could somehow capture that. That’s a popular thing to do. I did it with peace. ‘if you do this that or the other thing you can achieve peace.’ Thought says things like this, but when it’s followed it just leads to nowhere and sometimes makes you even worse off. Why is that? It’s because it’s all based on wanting something. So, you go off and try and to get it. This concept can’t be grasped by the thinking mind because it’s conditioned to think that way. The thinking mind has its limitations, and one is that it doesn’t know the truth of the way things are. Which are that everything is always changing, that there is no real you and that everything to do with the mind and body(meaning all physical forms, stuff) is unsatisfactory due to the first two truths.

Fault finding

Being in this world, you’re really in this world. It seems like everyone should be celebrating but that has nothing to do with regular life. Floating in the universe in the middle of nowhere or somewhere, who knows, and just being in our heads. There is no real leader in this world. What the leader of countries? But who is the one who really decides? Man is just like a fancy animal, whom, mainly focuses and survival stuff but not really physical survival but some sort of mental survival. Sometimes you want to blame man for the slowly destroying the earth but what are you blaming, skin, bones, thoughts, emotions, etc. it’s all nature! Is it not? So, you can blame nature, but blame, itself, is a thought and an emotion with a re-action in the body. The end is the beginning, the birth is the death. Everything exists within itself and all we can do is fault find!

Don't Know

So, there once a piece of something that I liked to call me. What was that you ask? I thought I knew what that was, but I clearly didn’t. But it didn’t stop me from searching for it. So, that is what I did. Looking back I see that it really didn’t work unless it got me to where I am now.

I thought I knew what I was doing for some time, but it didn’t lead me to a path that I wanted to really be on. See, I thought I was getting to the end. The end of what? The end of having to do things, the end of having to be responsible for myself. It’s a confusing road. They say be here now. So I tried that for some time and that just lead to trying to be here! Haha. And, all I got from that was just added pressure from pushing and trying to be here. If you try and be here all the time,  you just end all rigid and stressed. It doesn’t make that much sense, but it goes like this. What is here is nothing that isn’t moving, and when you try and stop something from moving it causes stress, and that’s that!

So, now I don’t need to try and stop anything. Actually the advice given by the monk that I like is that ‘life is just how it is, sometimes good, sometimes bad and sometimes in the middle.’ So, what can you do about that? Whatever you do or don’t do, life still carries on. Life still carries on. The monk says, watch thought, watch emotion, watch feeling, body movements, feelings, just watch anything that is happening here but within the body and mind. Don’t need to be too aware of what is happening outside of you. Your hand moves to scratch your eye, know this. You blink, know that. You were so worried about something and now the worry is gone. See how something is and then isn’t. Breath, comes and then goes. Anger is different than happiness. They both take their turns coming and going.

How do this stuff all happen. It all happens as a re-action to something else. You see something, and it makes you feel happy. You feel happy and that triggers some other thought, which triggers some other thought; and so on and on.

Every day we try to do many things and create many things, but all of it just comes and goes. One day goes into the next, and it’s impossible to stop life from happening. Good times and bad times, the sun still shine!

Friday, July 24, 2015

Desire

The sun creeps down upon me doing things that I don’t really know about. What is  it all about? It doesn’t really matter. But, what I do know is that it’s happening. Sadness, anger, man what can you do?

Sometimes, I think about what should I do, but the end results don’t make much sense. I can’t get to where I really want to be. And where is that? Some place without doubt and fears, but which planet is that? Who knows? Seems funny what we think because it’s impossible to achieve its desires. Follow a desire, for example, I want to become rich, a very popular one. It seems like if you have a lot then you will be safe, more secure, feel more solid in some way. Then you go about doing this, getting cash and then when you are nice and rich you take a look around but still feel just about the same. Why is that? It’s because the pattern of thought remains the same; the same as before you became rich. It's just a pattern of thought, and desire still just desires.

If someone could actually promise you that after you achieve whatever it is that you desire, that you wouldn’t desire any more I think that would be something I would take them up on. Like, you make a bunch of cash, have a great house, you’re in really good shape and then that’s it. Desiring is all over! You got it all! But, it all just continues until a light is shined upon desire itself. Until then, that’s what you will be forced to follow. 

Comedy

You know what the best way to get something fixed on the computer, it’s by accident!

When you look at animals you can really see their territorial nature. It’s hilarious, one animal chasing another trying to get it out of their area. Why don’t they just look around and see that there’s so much space. “Hey, look over there, there’s tons of space.” “You know, you’re right.”

Gossip always makes me laugh!

When I was young my asked my parents, what the point of school was. They told it was to improve myself. “I took

blurb

I don’t think I really know anything but surely cling to whatever I think I do know. It doesn’t really make me feel good but I don’t know what else to do; so that is what I do. I am glad now that I don’t have to make up anything for people. Just living and being regular with the spice of awareness, is just great. The things that I teach are true, and it just feels right.